Let’s not mince words: I got a lot of problems with you people and you’re going to hear about it!

Several pax arrived late. That’s straight-up disrespectful.

Some pax came to this workout in order to avoid running. That’s inappropriately presumptive.

Some came because, like Zack Mayo, they had nowhere else to go. How is that supposed to make me feel?

Uncle Rico did attend—after a multi-year hiatus—just to attend Festivus, which you would think would ease my disappointment, but even he apparently only showed because he thought there would be a lot more pax in attendance. Other pax informed him that where he really should have attended for his comeback was the Cookie Q. That hurts me in my feeling areas.

But 8 men did show up at 5:30 in the morning at Christmastime when it was 22 degrees out, so we’ve got to give credit where it’s due. Even Outlaw made an appearance at a Jersey Boy workout. That’s rarer than a burpee showing up at an Outlaw Q. 

The aluminum pole (unadorned because tinsel is distracting) was present in all its humility. The primary grievance of the pax was the fact that we played Sequence IRL™ but could not possibly find all 9 cones in 45 minutes. (Not being that familiar with the AO, the Q vastly underestimated the distances. Lesson learned.)

Instead, some pax stepped into leadership roles and opted to do the cones and their accompanying exercises out of order. THAT we can do in 45 minutes (exactly). So it was more orienteering than it was Sequence IRL™, but our cardiovascular system didn’t care. 

And yet, for all the grumbling, we put in 2.8 miles and a couple hundred reps on a Monday morning.

The traditional food of Festivus was available: protein bars and apple slices. A few partook. Contrary to the anti-materialistic Festivus code, gifts were made available to all in attendance. Some had the protein bars, some had the apples, some had the gifts, others fled to the warmth and uber-materialism of Starbucks like Matt Gaetz fleeing congress to avoid accountability (I’m sure there were better similes I could have used, but this one felt right in the spirit of airing grievances). 

Greyhound got the leadership prize (a special gift) because he was the one who spoke up to take credit for modifying the rules to accommodate time restraints. Like a politician, he’s learned that getting things done isn’t as important as getting credit for them. But in this case it was well deserved! 

Thanks to all my brothers who stuck with the chaos and snatched victory from the jaws of de-feet. Anyone who knows me realizes that I would never deliberately run almost three miles at a workout, but it all, well, worked out. 

A special shout-out to Uncle Rico. It was good to see you back out in the gloom, brother!

Happy Festivus. . .from the best of us!