FESTIVUS
22 men gathered today in honor of that venerable American tradition that comes around each December 23. We renounced the hollow customs, the crass commercialism, and the idle pageantry of that crudely conspicuous holiday that follows in its noble wake. For one brief moment we shielded our eyes from the love, compassion, generosity, and principled reverence of Christmas and focused instead on the hardships of our existence and the many ways in which the people in our lives have failed us.
In short, it was Festivus. . .for the rest best of us!
WARM-A-RAMA
The warmup was relatively normal (for a Jersey Boy workout anyway): a run to the new launching spot, goose steps, bear squats, Bobby Hurleys, girl fights, and a run around the block.
But then the Seinfeld trivia was launched (questions at bottom). It did NOT go well. . .
SEINFELD TRIVIA
The pax were angry that day, my friends. . .like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. The Q thought the Seinfeld trivia questions were going to be TOO easy. . .like the life of opposite George, but the failures came quickly and the punishments were severe: bear squats, burpees, Merkins. But with the advent of the phone-a-friend option, the Pax gained momentum and the fitness levels of the gathered mob suffered accordingly as many feats of strength were bypassed.
Amen was the phone-a-friend MVP after Ultraman had a disappointing series of guesses. A couple of blurted answers earned selected pax a five-burpee punishment (Uncle Rico—ever the over-achieving masochist—pursued his pitiful penance with passion).
FEATS OF STRENGTH / AIRING OF GRIEVANCES
Another run around the block was followed with the pax-led “feats of strength/airing of grievances” segment of the holiday festivities, where volunteers stood by the Festivus pole and explained—for a full minute—how the assembled group had disappointed them in the past year, while the obsequious audience performed their prescribed feat of strength. (If only we had a recording. . .)
MARY
Another run around the block and a final gathering around the Festivus pole brought us to the pax-led Mary portion of the day, followed by a final run to the original (and now extinct) launching point in front of the theater. (As Gnarly Goat has made clear, future Hollywood workouts will meet in front of Barnes & Noble/Total Wine. Since B&N is probably not long for this world and Total Wine is never going to die, I suggest renaming the AO “Bordeaux.”?)
THE FESTIVUS MEAL
Amazing cookies from The Bakery Shoppe (the extra “e” is for “ecstasy”) on Old Statesville just north of Sam Furr, along with bonus fresh donuts (purchased at Dunkin Donuts’ 5:00am opening time) ensured a quick and disproportionate replacement of any calories burned during Festivus. Half the pax (11 out of 22) gathered for some second F at Starbucks—a meeting highlighted by some additional Seinfeld stories and other entertaining tidbits.
YHC took us out in the COT with an admonition to not only endure but embrace your neighbors, family members, and fellow Americans whose different experiences have led them to different perspectives. Save your airing of grievances for Festivus!
MOLESKINE
Thanks to my “airing of grievances” volunteers: Frontier, Toxic, Top Gun, Hot Wheel, Gnarly Goat, AM/PM. Thanks also to Dingo and Diehard for converging for this illustrious holiday activity. That was a lot of fun and I look forward to next year’s Festivus gathering.
The trivia questions:
- The name of the coffee shop: Monk’s Café
- The actress who said, “They’re real and they’re spectacular” when speaking of her own breasts?: Teri Hatcher
- According to a conversation between Jerry and Elaine, the magic number of dates when a face-to-face break-up is required? 7
- What’s the name for Jerry’s favorite shirt? Golden Boy
- What does “The Move” refer to? A sexual technique Jerry invented. (Not to be confused with the “stop short” move of Frank Costanza.)
- What book’s late return earns Jerry a stern talking to and hefty late fees? The Tropic of Cancer
- What former child actor does Kramer try to force into reading his script? Fred Savage
- What TV show’s set pieces does Kramer find in the dumpster? Merv Griffin
- What does George want to name his future son? Seven
- What mega celebrity does George run into and injure during a charity softball event? Bette Midler
- Who invented Festivus? Frank Costanza
- During surgery, what candy is accidentally dropped into Elaine’s boyfriend’s open abdomen? A Junior Mint
- What’s so surprising about Kramer’s license plate? It says, “ASSMAN” and was meant for a proctologist.
- What did Jerry do during Schindler’s List that gets him in trouble? Makes out with his girlfriend.
- Which song does Elaine try to make “her song?” Witchy Woman
- What is Kramer’s first name? Cosmo
- What restaurant is Elaine banned from going to? Hop Sing’s
- What type of pasta did Kramer use to make his statue of Jerry? Fusilli
- What does George’s mother, Estelle, witness that causes her to throw out her back? She catches him “enjoying” Glamour magazine.
- What is Kramer’s mom’s name? Babs