Two of LKN's finest squared off in the arena for what is sure to be the most talked about battle in F3 history. 29 in total showed to experience the drama, the pain, and of course, the burpees (way to go Auto). This is their tale (some details embelished for dramatic effect).
The gloom air was warm but the grass still wet with dew as 29 lively and souls circled up on the field in immense anticipation for what lay ahead. YHC issued the disclaimer followed by a stern order from MQ, Jimmy-O, not to patronize the proud paying members of a workout group not to be named. The air grew still, only the deep breaths of excitement resonated in the dark, early sky. And so it began…
15 side straddle hops ignited the battle and the low rumble of mumble chatter arose. The PAX immediately shifted to 10 imperial storm troopers followed by 15 mountain climbers. The stage was set. Hearts were pumping with red blood as Auto took the reigns leading the PAX into the parking deck and up one level. Then all hell broke loose.
10 burpees OYO was all it took to send the PAX into a hysteric frenzy. The sound of moans and BS calls reverberated through the cavernous deck. Was this really happening? Yes. Yes it was. We swiftly traversed to the next level of the parking deck panting from the sudden burst of exertion only to be greated with 10 cliff hanger pull ups. After ripping these out it was time to make the fateful trek past the over-priced bootcamp squad. Safely at the top and in the open we partnered up and performed 10 partner Muricans. The final stop at the top greeted us with 25 partner sit ups. Only then did we realize that our current leader, Auto, was without partner. Only the call to do burpees can be blamed for this overt alienation. The same order of exercises was repeated on the way down the deck until we reached the starting point. Would we do 10 more burpees? The PAX waited with anticipation. Except The Count, he started doing burpees on his own. Unfortunate. Auto tried to redeem himself and handed the reigns over to YHC before any more burpees for inflicted on the PAX.
YHC led the PAX out of the deck and to the front of Discovery Place Kids where the next round of pain would commence. The pace was quick and relentless. YHC was determined to diffuse the mumble chatter. The ensuing chain of events went as followed: 12 Muricans IC, 2 sprints, 12 squats IC, 2 sprints, 12 dips IC, 2 sprints, 12 Bulgarian split squats, 2 sprints, 12 decline Muricans, 2 sprints, 10 step ups. Hunched over gasping for breath the PAX knew we were far from over. The valiant Auto stepped forward, eyes red with rage. It was his turn to regain control.
We moved quickly back to the parking deck and down to the depths of the bottom level. Things began to get mirkly as we ripped through another 10 minutes of slaughter. Bear crawls up to the next level, partner Muricans, partner sit ups, squats, and quite possibly some additional torture. It was a bloodbath. And then it happened. With no remorse Auto called out the 2 words everyone was dreading to hear but knew was coming. 10 burpees. Absolute carnage.
Regaining the last shred of strength we had YHC led the PAX back to the bottom of the deck where the PAX were instructed to group up into teams of 4. Seven teams in total. We lost Etch somewhere during Auto's reign of tyranny. Shame, he was a good man. The seven teams lined up for one final push toward victory. Relay races are all that stood between the PAX and freedom. The first race was bear crawls to the wall and run back while the rest of the PAX held a plank. This was quickly followed up with a broad jump relay of the same distance while the rest of the PAX held a squat. Finally, the dreaded crab walk reared its ugly head to cap off the onslaught of pain.
With two minutes still remaining Auto, weary and beaten but still standing, led the PAX through a short series of Mary. Then it was all calm. The sweat of man soaked the concrete battlefield that lay beneath our feet. The euphoria of freedom was felt by all. MQ, Jimmy-O, issued the ballots to determine the champion of the ring. After a supposed recount YHC arose victorious over the worthiest of competitor, Auto. Fist bumps and high fives were shared. 29 men, the finest in all of LKN, grew stronger in strength, spirit, and resolve on this fine morning. A morning that will go down in infamy. A morning that will be talked about for generations to come.