We came together beside the unadorned aluminum pole to celebrate Festivus: the holiday that eschews the crass commercialism of Christmas. So naturally, I brought gifts for everyone.
Due to, I imagine, a rift in the space-time continuum, the turnout was dismal compared to prior Festivus celebrations. Perhaps it was the location of the AO, perhaps the cold, perhaps pax travel plans, or perhaps I’m just using the word “perhaps” too much in this sentence. No one knows for sure. But the two who attended the main workout and the one who strolled in whenever he damn-well pleased are among my favorite people, so it’s Quality: 1, Quantity: 0.
- We did exercises in a way that should lead to some muscle memory (the kind that hurts, not the kind that makes it easy to pump an ice-cream cone at Jason’s every Friday).
- We ran a mile or so.
- We aired some grievances: The people of Huntersville for voting in six people less qualified than Hippie, Hollywood for not ever complaining, groaning, or moaning when I add 10 unforeseen reps to an already difficult exercise, and people in the right lane at a stop light who fail to pull forward enough to allow people to use the turn lane.
- We did some feats of strength: Hollywood did a 30-second merkin hover, Hippie and I attempted some one-legged squats.
- I passed out gifts (one practical, one playful, and one delicious) to all assembled and added a certificate notifying the recipient that a donation has been made in your name to The Human Fund: Money for People. (It’s a Seinfeld thing.)
Coffeeteria was enhanced by the arrival of the swimmers, but they were in no mood to perform further feats of strength. The airing of grievances, though, was the same as every Fission coffeeteria.
Thanks for showing up, gentlemen! It’s always a pleasure to share your company in the bitter cold and foreboding darkness of the Harris Teeter parking lot.