With Crocs and Blackbeard pitted against one another, there was bound to be a lot of smack talk on Twitter leading up to the first round matchup, but would the smack down amount to much, or would an unknown write-in steal our thunder to move on to the quaterfinals?
When Cherry Bomb contacted us on social media, YHC won the toss and earned the right to choose the AO. I immedately opted for Cauldron thinking of one of the few workouts I frequently attend. But the new MQ there is an over-achiever and all the dates were filled. Crocs, being the gracious competitor that he is, offered Emmaus but that would have been akin to Florida State playing as the home team against NC State in the ACC Tournament in Greensboro (okay, maybe that’s a bad anlaogy). In the end, Man Maker got the nod despite knowing there would be a lot of frowny face Murphers come the 29th.
After seeing the turnout for Amen and Olive the week before, I suggested to Crocs that we split into two groups if we had more than 20 to better manage the numbers and keep the liberals happy with social distancing rules. But as usual, when YHC arrived at the AO, all intelligent thought went out the window and we moved straight into the workout.
With the QvQ commissioner and the MMM MQ absent, YHC jumped in to lead CoP. SSH was the natural first pick followed by some Moroccan Nightclubs to earn the former MQs vote. But wait, where was the former MQ? He rolled in just in time for the last 5 reps. We followed that up with a slow Windmill and a quicker Mountain Climber, and then the reigns were passed off to Crocs.
Crocs started out with 20 single-count Merkins while dragging the bell from one side to the other between each push-up. YHC immediately noted that he was going for the quick kill leaving me with no energy to Q the 2nd half. There was some expected mumblechatter around not calling cadence, but then he followed up the merkins with Curls called in perfect cadence. The whole angle of winning on Crocs’ poor cadence was a mirage.
He briefly reverted to old form with OYO Squats and then had the nerve to throw in a Mosey around the parking lot! Realizing he still had 15 minutes to use up, we repeatoed the circuit while adding in some KB Swings, Chest Press (with Flutter) and Upright Row (or wait, maybe he meant Bent Over Row). When Crocs mentioned just prior to the handoff that he was trying to lose, i thought for sure the pax would punish him with a landslide victory.
At 0555, YHC nixed the silly Turkish Getups (with bell) that my competitor tried to end with. I instructed the pax to line up along the edge of the parking lot and then changed last minute to a circle as any terrible Q would do. I informed the pax that I would be plagiarizing Hefty’s weinke with the “Gorilla Complex” consisting of 8 Curls, 8 Upright Rows, 8 Overhead Press, 8 Skull Crushers and 8 Merkins — all single count — and then a plank until the 6 finished the set. I tried to call the ups on the first set but then skipped over the rows which Toxic kindly pointed out. On the second set, I had the pax go OYO further botching my Q. Crocs had this thing in the bag!
With that dumpster fire behind us, I had the pax partner up and line up along one end of the parking lot for DORA 1-2-3 starting with 100 combined 8-count Burners. The partner not doing reps had an option to run the length of the parking lot and back (about 150 yards) or lunge walk to the curb and back (about 30 yards). When the pax wrapped up the Burners, we moved on to something new skipping 2/3s of DORA — could it get any worse (redundant question)?
YHC thought to bring back something F3 LKN did at a Bear CSAUP several years ago that involved partners facing each other on their six, locking ankles and passing a kettle bell back and forth while doing WWIIs. This appeared to be a fan favorite as there was lots of talk about sexual orientation and social distancing, especially when YHC noticed Titan and Crocs having a lover’s spat and not locking ankles. It was clear they were looking for a 3-way and since I did not have a partner — turns out Canuck was in a 3-way of his own — I reluctantly obliged.
With love in the air and a little over 5 minutes to go, we moved to a Lunge Walk with an added twist — literally — of the KB over the forward leg each time. After about 15 yards, pax were to return to the start with a Reverse Lunge while continuing the core twist. With a few minutes to burn, we wrapped up with Pigeon (on both sides) which of course took us a minute over — another Q fail.
Carpetbagger was kind enough to handle voting while YHC attempted to emcee nameorama and a semi-adequate prayer. I had counted 31 earlier in the workout but only 28 were in the final count. Turns out the workout was so terrible that Swing State, Butterstick and Butkus left immediately after rather that be forced to vote for either candidate. Others opted for a write-in. Gnarly Goat earned a vote for his consistent neon flare. I hear The Force won votes in hopes of earning Cauldron points. Cousin Eddie almost certainly got votes for being a much better Q than either of us. Even Q-Bert got in on the voting thanks to calling cadence in lieu of my ineffectiveness.
And yet when the smoke cleared and Carpetbagger annonced the winner, YHC was offered the cup and informed that I would have the honor and privilege of meeting up with Olive in the quarter finals. The pax suggested an after party at Starbucks on Catawba but when I arrived, the only attendees were Goat, Hippie and Marker (who came all the way from Denver). I can only assume Crocs was secretly serving bourbon and kringle (whatever that is) at the *real* after party.
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All kidding aside, many thanks to the 31 pax who joined us this morning at MMM. Special thanks go to Crocs for the competition and the comraderie, Carpetbagger for “offering” last minute to coordinate voting, Cherry Bomb for bringing back the fun at workouts, and Toxic (or was that Titan?) for making sure my windshield wipers were still in working order. F3 makes a huge difference in men’s lives and mine is no exception. Great work gents!