I know many Pax across the Nation have led workouts for the full week. Many have given out patches, other awards and even raised money for good causes. Thank you BlackBeard. I am not saying this week was really any different then any of those…but in many ways…it was. When I looked at the calendar in January, I knew my F3 anniversary was on a Sunday. My birthday on a Tuesday and the WIB I created, Daytona needed to be on that Wednesday with the 61st running occurring that weekend. For the record, I am not a NASCAR fan but do respect the race, the spectacle and all the glory that comes with winning. In the past, even at might healthiest, whether talking my physical well-being or my mental well-being, I usually only scheduled those three days of the week to Q. I am not sure what exactly influenced me to go bold, but something was calling me this year to Q a week. 5 straight days of leading my brothers in the glory we call The Gloom. Which, as it turned, ended up being 6 when all was said and done. I don’t know if it was a calling to push myself. I am not sure if it was an excuse to avoid the excuses of remaining comfortable in the Fart Sack. I am not sure if it was entirely something different. Nevertheless, with trepidation and doubt, I signed up to Q the entire week. Something I have never done before and in all reality, posting 5 days straight was something I haven’t done since I lost my baby girl. Christina. Sweet Tooth. I wasn’t sure how my body would hold up. Myriad of foot issues…a busted disc in my spine that on a whim can cause my entire leg to go lifeless…numb. Nor did I know how I would be mentally. I am proud of my 4 year anniversary but celebrating a birthday, which is really no longer a celebration would be a challenge…and it was…more to come on that. Nevertheless, I never changed the calendar, I stayed committed to the obligation I signed up for, and asked for and it rewarded me with an inward thinking and reflection that I am sharing with anyone who is willing to read further…if I haven’t lost you already.
February 10, 2015, this timid soul decided to see what this F3 thing was all about after my foot doctor, also known as Snoopy, told me it was something I could check out. Probably a few weeks later, I decided to take the plunge…or better known as taking the Daily Red Pill. (Aside from Star Wars, I am a huge Matrix fan and this probably had some influence…I mean, the problem is choice!) I showed up to Man Maker Monday, then at that time at 131 Main. Didn’t know anyone. Didn’t know what to say other than I was what they call an FNG per this crazy lexicon thing on the website I found. Got lent a kettle bell, survived a workout led by Dill and got a stupid name called Olive (so I thought at the time) by Moses. Admittedly, just a day later, I loved the name, found an avatar with an Olive lifting a barbell and no complaints ever since…and probably aside from Hunny and Dad, I answer to it more than my birth name. I posted the next day at The Vern where I was humbled to know that I was not nearly as in shape as all these other guys. I was an avid obstacle runner, did two a days but was humbled that day that I really was far from what I thought it was…mentally and physically.
Fast forward to this past Sunday, February 10th 2019. Many of you know what I have endured. The loss of my daughter back on May 6th, 2016. I lost my bother in law to suicide on February 28th 2017. My Grandmother, my Grandfather and Mom all passed within just 4 years. My life is filled with loss. And I am not even going into what my M has endured. But there it was, my 4 year anniversary and I was to deliver a beat down worthy for the Pax the following day where it all started for me at Man Maker Monday. But I had to survive Sunday. And that would be a challenge. For anyone reading this not of Lake Norman, our brother Schneider lost his life leaving behind his M and two daughters. His funeral was held at James Funeral Home, the last place I saw Christina in North Carolina before her body being transported to her final burial place in Long Island. Much like her funeral, the place was packed. I started getting the sweats, my anxiety kicked in and my panic attacks were back. Being stuck in that room, where hundreds of folks would come to the M and I to express their condolences brought back painful memories. I wanted to escape. I did not want to be there but I wanted to be there…I needed to be there because my late brother needed me to be there…and his family who I do not even know. Thankfully there was some brevity during the celebration of Schneider’s life. But at the end, the background music that came on was Tears From Heaven, written in memory of a child lost. I did everything I could to fight but it struck my like a bag of bricks upside the head. I did what I needed to but had to exit as quickly as I could. But on the way out…the Pax were there and I had to stop. I needed to. I was told I had to. I am glad I did it. Like every day that has passed since my daughter’s passing, being with my brothers, in the Gloom, at a Dad’s camp, a 2nd F event or a CSAUP, there is a certain peace I receive when being amongst my brothers. Probably a half hour later after shaking hands, fist bumping hugging etc, I finally made my way home. It was an emotional day for what should have been a great appreciation for my affiliation with F3. Then again…it was. A celebration for the man we know who touched so many lives, including my own, that I took solace in the fact that although a huge obstacle was in front of me…I was able to overcome it by focusing not on my own selfish needs and fears, but knowing I was doing the right thing. This is what F3 has given to me. Then receiving numerous messages asking how I was doing knowing the situation was so comforting. The Pax did and do care. I am forever grateful for the support even though it was about Schneider and not about me. But thank you! And what Schneider has given to me, was knowing you always pick up the 6, you push when you can but not to the point where it becomes problematic, you live third, and that the OST back to school supply drive originated from him. Rest in peace our brother.
Thankfully, after an emotional day I woke up on time to head to MMM where we celebrated my 4 year anniversary with a good old fashioned KB beat down. The next day, I landed at the Viking where I became ambitious and led the Pax, amongst other things to enjoy the Burpee Mile for my birthday beatdown. Later that day/evening, shit hit me and yet another birthday celebrating without my daughter eventually took its toll. The day itself was good. Dinner. Family. Even a massage to make sure my muscles were loose for the remainder of the week. But there was something grave missing. I let the emotions get the best of me, as well as the wine and next thing I know…my M was yelling at me at 539am to get up because I had the Q at Mad Scientist. Oh crap! Had so many Pax HC and here I am letting them down and a WIB I created specifically for this week? Grabbed my clothes I laid out the night before, found my phone…not where it should have been, grabbed the list of exercises and was out the door as quickly as I could have been. Arrived halfway through the workout. Received my fair share of mumblechatter which I deserved but also, the Pax got it…it was my birthday before…shit happens. Thanks to The Judge, aka Scrappy for pulling up the old backblasts to keep the running of Daytona in full force. A trip to Samson on Valentine’s day where I showed the Pax how much I love them. Followed by an interview by Lake Norman Charter students on Operation Sweet Tooth where I was nervous as anything. Then what I thought was my last workout at the Foundry ended the week of Olive. I had a little flashback of the old days and made sure I ended the Foundry with 5 minutes of burpees…Trying to get my swagger back.
My feet were killing me…my back and shoulders scorched from working out 5 days this week and yet I decided to answer the call from our former MOTY to Q one last time this week at the Mighty Jungle. How could I say no? 6 days in a row as a leader amongst my brothers and 7 out of the last 8. I survived what I set out to do…and yet, I still don’t know what I was trying to accomplish…and then, I sat in Q Source.
So this was my first time attending a Q Source conversation with my brothers. Yes, shame on me but basketball schedules and other lame excuses thwarted me from attending. But I was not going to miss this one…and I am glad I didn’t. The theme on a high level talked about leadership, influence, getting right in order to lead. There were some great points at our discussion along with some light – hearted talk. I remained fairly quiet, as I typically due in Bible study as I have to process and develop my train of thought. One thing I did mention is that is had a knack from leading from the 6…not the norm. Laughter followed with me leading the chuckles. Hey…not a runner. But the overall talk was can you lead and influence without being right? This struck me big time. If there was anything to take away from this week, for me it was this 30 minute discussion.
I will never be right. I know that. I accept that. I have never been right since May 6th, 2016. Actually, I haven’t been right ever. I know of only one person on this Earth that was ever right…and He had to die to help us get closer to right. So how then, can I influence and lead. Great question. I don’t know if I have the answer. I write this this as someone who is broken, lost, has too many jesters in the court but at the same time…has hope. “Rebellions are built on Hope” (Star Wars reference…had to tie in somewhere). I have Hope because I believe, the actions I take today will influence the results of tomorrow. My motto in the past before my life was turned upside down was #AlwaysBeimproving This was related to fitness. How many miles I could run, how many burpees I could do, how may pull-ups could I complete. It was nothing but fitness related. Today? It’s #OneDayCloser and #PainIntoPurpose What can I do today, that will have a positive impact on somebody that will show favor in God’s eyes that he will reunite me with my daughter. Neither of my mantras say I am right. As a matter of fact, all three highlight anything but being right…but wanting to move in the right direction. And that folks, I think is what we should be mindful of.
I had a thought provoking conversation with my M. In a nutshell, she was proud of me for committing to Q every day this week. Aside from getting me out of the bed when I overslept, the next two days she set multiple alarms and even woke up and came down stairs to make sure I did not fall asleep. That is love and that is understanding that she knew just how important this was to me…not because I told her but she knows how much F3 influences me. And she told me that I influenced her to post 4 days at Burn Boot Camp and even EH her friend because I inspired her! She would have gone 5 if not for getting sick…just an aside. But if I am not right…how could I have inspired her? Because she is not right either. And a conversation with my son…Michael, also known as Happy Meal posted with me for a Dads bootcamp last Saturday. Great job by the way Tagless. I told him I was working out tomorrow (this was a Friday evening conversation). Oh Dad can I go? No bud. I am Qing and this is not a Dad camp workout…it wont be kid friendly (It wasn’t). Oh Dad. You should be spending time with your family? WOAH? Did he just go there? Michael, you want Daddy to be around and live a long time right? Yeah. You also want Daddy to make sure that he is strong and can teach you to be right? Yeah. And lastly, I am sure you like it w!hen Daddy doesn’t yell at you and get so upset with you sometimes for no reason right? (emphatic yes) Well bud, this is why I work out. It helps me get stronger, be fit so I can live a long life but makes me better as a Dad. Besides, you and Mom may still be sleeping…is that cool. Oh yeah!
I know this has been long. Believe me. Be thankful you are not typing this. After 6 previous backblasts, my wrist is finished. But I want to close with this. One of the other things that Q Sourced mentioned or asked was how does F3 help with your Jestors? Dreed goes on to mention his anger. Right there with you brother. So is my M. How F3 helps me…or FiA/BBC helps my M is that it provides a release. For 45 minutes, we forget the wrongs of what we have to remember and endure. F3/FiA have taught us that there is a safety place, where no one judges and its called the Circle of Trust. F3/FiA has taught us that if we ask, questions will be answered. But lastly, F3 has shown us that although we may not be right…and we will never be, make no questions about that…F3, God, FiA can at least help us navigate back onto the right path. And if we deviate it from it…putting our trust in God, and our brothers or sisters, they will help guide the way back on to the right path…Its up to us to stay on it…or drift away…but either way…we have the support in our brothers or sisters.
Thank you for all that have carried me these past 4+ years especially these last 33 months. All I hope, is that some where along your own journey that when you have an obstacle, challenge etc…you ask me for help. I am here 24/7 no matter the challenge. Nothing that I haven’t seen or been through. I am here for you. I may not be right. I may never be right. But like me, I can always help you to improve…and also you can help me as well!
Aye!
Live Life. Own Every Second. Never, Ever Take Anything For Granted!
Humbly Yours-
Olive